Football bonding: fun or sex abuse?

So it took a couple days to get my head around this one.

According to the Seattle Times, Bothell High School football players have a hazing tradition called Rape Squad. Now, yes, today, in 2019. It’s a not-so-secret, boy-on-boy pranking thing, and it’s got the community outraged. The fellas call it “jubies.”

This cuts close. I lived in Bothell for over 20 years. We raised our kids in Bothell. They went to the rival high school on the next hilltop to the south. Two of my kids were swimmers. As I sit here and write this I wonder what the Inglemoor kids would say. Imagine the taunting on the football field. The teasing and belittling across the diamond and the court. The whispers to the kid on the starting blocks in the next lane. Guess I better not bend over like this, I mean, you’re from Bothell, right? Good lord. You can imagine.

But what if? I mean, what if it’s not that big of a deal? What if the news got it wrong? What if it’s all overblown? Boys will be boys, won’t they? Horseplay in the locker room, that’s what they say… and isn’t it normal as, well, boys being boys? No charges means no crime, right? Fingers in buttholes, fists grabbing genitals, while young athletes are restrained against their will… So what? No coach knows everything that happens in the locker room, right? And who wants to upset the mighty Bothell Cougar apple cart now, atop their conference and bound for their 19th playoff berth in Coach Bainter’s 21 impeccable seasons? This can’t really be part of what we’ve come to call Rape Culture, can it? It’s so innocuous, just a few boys… being boys… right?

My answer lay, god forgive me, why do I even read this stuff, but it lay in a brilliant flash of irony from a dark corner of the Facebook comments section.

Somebody went off on Coach’s detractors, claiming that Bainter is a wonderful man of high character who would never tolerate such behavior if he knew about it. So, clearly he didn’t know about it, so all you people STFU.

And the dry reply: “Oh really. So Joe Paterno works at Bothell High now.”

That was a good place to start. And the pieces fell into place after that.

Yeah, it’s the coach’s job to know. It’s his job to keep the boys safe, to demand a culture — especially after 20 years on the job — that inspires teamwork, character, and a struggle through adversity, because that’s how you win championships and that’s how you win at life.

So apparently this is how you struggle through adversity at Bothell. As a New Guy freshman, one day you hear a teammate yell “Rape Squad!” and everyone cracks up like it’s funny as hell, then they hold you down, poke you up the anus and grope your junk. Then, New Guy, suddenly you’re a man, a teammate, not a New Guy anymore. So as an upperclassmen you pass it along, and everyone laughs about it together, and it’s a really swell bonding thing.  And it becomes part of the locker room culture, and you’re winning championships, so hey coach, whatever it takes, right?

“Locker room culture?” Deja vu, huh? I don’t know about you but I’ve been in plenty of locker rooms. And I’ve never heard anyone brag about pussy-grabbing, never seen or heard of a jubie.

Damn straight this is Rape Culture. Over here at Bothell High, where we instill life skills, character, and high moral values in tomorrow’s leaders, even today, in 2019, over here at Bothell we laugh at sexual assault; we even laugh about the very word “rape.” We call it harmless, even when we force ourselves on another human. We call it horseplay, even though our horseplaymate has to be held down against his will. We say it’s just some stuff we did in the locker room. And the guys on the receiving end wait a couple seasons and they get to be on the giving end, and still we laugh it off, and those guys grow up to be adults with this BS in their history, and then what’s next?

I’ll tell you what’s next. We wring our hands and wonder how so many boys grow to be men who feel like they can take whatever they want, touch whomever they want, do whatever they want. We can’t comprehend how so many women every single day – victims are men too, but mostly women – get harassed, insulted, assaulted, raped, and then shamed when they speak up. They can’t take a joke, they don’t appreciate a compliment, they wanted it anyway, they’re lying. Because, hey, we were just messing around, and that’s how you win at life, right?

Sure that’s how you win. You could even be a Supreme Court Justice.

So, in most cases, victims don’t speak up. They’re scared of the backlash, they’re ashamed, they feel like it’s their fault, they don’t want friends and family to know, they don’t want to ruin someone’s life.

And especially in the case of young athletes, they want to fit in, be accepted, not be the one rat who destroyed everything.

And still we wonder why. Here’s why. Our institutions are filled with enablers, top to bottom, and Bothell is a perfect example.

It starts with coaches who either know about jubies and let them go, or don’t know about jubies but created an environment where jubies are OK. Makes you wonder which is worse, right? Not knowing? Or knowing and allowing it?

It starts with coaches like Bothell’s Bainter who preach accountability and character but when the chips are down they don’t step forward to own this problem, don’t say loud and clear, “this is on me.”

It starts with administrators who, faced with a clear case of abuse by members of a championship football team, refuse to hold the coach responsible.

It starts with kids who’ll take a finger up the butt and laugh it off instead of pressing charges, because in our culture football is too goddamn important, and fitting in, excuse the pun, is imperative.

It starts with parents who, instead of teaching by example with iron-clad rules of respecting others,  put absolute trust in a coach to inspire and lead and care for their children. Parents who, just like their kids, draw themselves into that worship circle where the coach, the team, and the game are the holy trinity. And the penalty for blasphemy is ostracism, separation, banishment. That, plus ridicule for the kid.

And the icing on the cake is the unwritten code. It kicks in when the shit hits the fan, when scandal stares us in the face, when the glass house finally shows a few cracks and starts to shatter. Circle the wagons. Deny everything. Attack and ridicule the messenger. Raise up the one who should have watched over your kids and kept them safe, raise him up for praise and glory. Because anything less would make you look the fool for entrusting your kids to this man.

Can we flip this model on its head? How long would it take?

Can parents demand accountability from coaches who train their kids? Will parents learn to prioritize standards of character, and a safe competitive environment, over blind loyalty to a program, and can they expect their kids to do the same? Can administrators ever do their job and expect clear standards of accountability from coaches? And can coaches ever rise above the rampant narcissism in the profession, while they still teach character, competition, and devotion to the team?

Seems like these messages have been out there for years. Seems like just when we think we’re making progress, something like this comes up. Which only proves we still have a damn long way to go.

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